1. You can cook. Forget this BS about being able to eat everything raw (have you honestly tried that with cardamom pods?) – to survive with a smile on your face you need a bare minimum ability of boiling water. Incredibly I am in possession of contacts who struggle to do even this. One retarded acquaintance, worryingly now a member of the British constabulary, wondered why his mash always turned out watery. It appears – without any respect for human life, including his own – he would devastate this most simple of comfort foods by mashing the potato without draining the boiling water first…
2. You get on with an ex. Cerebrally this is known as A Good Thing. Let’s be honest, your DNA contains this person – you wouldn’t be the person you are today (tortured or otherwise) if this radiant addition to you life, hadn’t been. Sure, they’re obviously a slag or a dog, but that doesn’t mean to say you can’t at least be vaguely humanistic in their direction. Disregard this if you’re still infatuated and the slightest thought of them with another person has you parking your Toyota Yaris sideways on a railway crossing.
3. You enjoy your own company. This is especially useful if the most recent example of number 2 is very recent indeed. But let’s be honest, you know you best – and if you can’t figure out what you want then don’t expect anyone else to be there. Your determination and passion are an ever-critical component of your success, and that counts for relationships of a business or intimate (or both, you lucky bastard) nature. If you struggle to understand what you really want, take yourself away for a long walk. Just don’t do it by the edge of a cliff if you’re more desperation than seeking salvation.
4. You’ve closed the door on a loved one. Taking myriad of forms, this relates to the departure of someone close to you, in any context. Remember how you got here – and remember how you’re going. We’re all capable of independent means and it’s important you realise that, despite emotional entanglements and mental reliance, in the scheme of things we can thrive without leaning on A N Other. Spend a while understand the basics of Buddhism – Prince Siddhartha got it right, and if you take a minute to read between the lines, you’ll learn a whole lot more about yourself.
5. You love your mother. Love and attachment: big difference. Through the highs and lows and peaky troughs, she’s been there. Always. Whether or not you realise it, she loves you dearly and would walk the earth to be sure you’re safe and well. We all have our rows and discords. But be sure that in times of pain or pleasure, she’ll be doing all she can to make sure you’re never a mile away from a smile.
6. You know how to make it right. Argue all you like, but wisdom tells you how to bring it round. There’s a tiff round every corner – if you can be proactive and avoid it, so much the better. But even if you can’t, there’s a feeling inside of you – instinct – that drifts along your thought sequences to take you back to where happiness was. Don’t sweat if you have some cheeky banter and can’t figure out how to make it right, just spend some time talking to the other person and find out their point of view. Between the two of you you’ll figure it out naturally.
7. You’re following your dreams. We all have them, but few of us understand that dreams are simply goals. What makes the dream an achievable goal is setting actions between now and achievement that will take you there. Start now – don’t waste a minute. What do you want from life? Make it a challenge. And make sure to believe in yourself. Everyone knows you’re a special kinda person, so why don’t you? Write down your dream, take action now by setting some steps to achieve it. Give yourself a deadline. Did I say don’t miss a heartbeat? Get to it – make yourself proud. Once you start on the journey, you’ll realise delight you never knew existed. And you’ll be the best you can be.
8. Watch a Michael Moore film without smashing the telly. Granted of all the ten this might be your biggest conquest, but stick with it – I guarantee with perseverance you’ll get there one day. And in the meantime, Samsung will be your best friend. Talking of corporations, you should start your Moore spree by watching The Corporation. With the shock factor of Fast Food Nation, The Corporation reveals how your friendly everyday brands are poisoning you and your unborn children with a Frankenstein’s monster of negligence and grotesque greed. Every living system and life support system is in decline, and the world is only now waking up to the consequences of capitalist avarice. Behind the mask of idiocy Michael Moore is a natural genius and despite the negatives he unearths about the way we exist, he’s a clarion call to humanity and one we should all aspire to unite behind. And when we all work together? Behold the happiness of humankind!
9. Love your squeeze. Through good and bad, football and cooking, you made it to now. Who’s the one you wake up to each morning? Is there an axe in your head? To put up with you and your raging peculiarities, there must be something pretty damn fine about this partnership. Go and give him or her a hug. Buy him an iPhone. If my other half is reading this (especially the last sentence), I love you, honey!
10. You’re here. Not only have you reached the end of this saccharine set of cheery lines, but you’re not dead yet. You’re already ahead of umpteen billions of dearly deceased. Smile, cheer, spread some euphoria. Thanks for being you – keep at it, and you’ll be surprised at how much fun is in store. Now go pay someone a compliment and enjoy the weekend!