I was bloody annoyed the other day. I’d rocked up at the train station four days in succession at the ridiculously early hour of 6.40 to slumber my way in to Chester with a dribble of ambition leaking out of my soul. Every day of dawn waking on the back of repetitive late night navel-gazing sessions brought me to a grating stop in terms of focusing on my definite aim.
I was bloody angry, actually. I took this job as a self-serving prophecy: so I could commit 4 hours every day to motivating and improving myself.
But the flipside of this gargantuan commute manifested itself in grotesque fatigue. I’m all for this lark that ‘with enthusiasm, without sleep’ is an ok way to live your life. But I’m enthusiastic – spastically enthusiastic, in my keenness to produce – yet mind-numbingly knackered.
So I’m bloody angry. Things instigating astounding drive – 10 ways to beautify your mind, 5 tricks to lack lack, beating pain and marrying pleasure, etc etc etc – were starting to seem a touch opaque.
Did I mention my fatigue-fuelled anger?
As a self-confessed peace warrior I’m not into this whole resentment gig, so I started looking for ways out of this negative state of mind.
It was round about the point where the train chugged past a constant stream of back garden trampolines – so very Bebington – that I found the answer. In myriad forms.
Here’s my guide to beating anger, jealousy, resentment, hostility and suspicion before you punch your foe in the face:
1. Write down why you’re so damn annoyed. Once you read the reasons why you’ll realise futility, and foolishness. And have a jolly good laugh afterwards.
2. Find pleasure in the pain. Despite having boffed this beautiful maxim in an earlier section of this tome, I suddenly realised how apt and life-changing it can be. You’re angry? Yearn to enter a rose garden and start thrashing around with a naked sword, shouting expletives at grannies and Wilfrid Owen poetry at passing cars? Do it, but in your imagination (because the bastards can’t take THAT away) and as the action unfurls metamorphose into a Chuckle Brother. Funny? Looks bloody hilarious from where I’m stood.
3. Focus this incredible energy of hate on a favourable activity. Irritation on a monster scale is a proxy for adrenaline. Use the rush to compose a song, cook a mean meal (but easy on the knife time) or GO FOR A RUN, with something like Nickelback on your MP3.
4. Watch a video of the ridiculous antics of John McEnroe. Read a book, watch a comedy. In much the same way as ginger-headed women, there are more than enough smiles to go round. Covet and revel in the things that make you laugh. If you have a dad who tells really bad gags, imagine he lost his voice. This has worked for me on numberless occasions.
5. Dont have a beer, have a bath. Get someone else to judge how much hot water needs be in the tub; other than this, jump right in and indulge yourself in one of life’s perfect (and peaceful) pleasures.
6. Steer clear of the missus/lad. If your vocabulary du jour consists mostly of sounds and words like ‘grr’ and ‘BISCUITS!’ a rendezvous with the missus is a Bad Idea. We humans (and your dog) have a tendency to tag others with the feelings we experience and the environments in which we see them. So unless you want a relationship with added rage and far less nookie than is healthy, get some fresh air.
7. Take a walk. Listen to classical music. Have a poo. Just get it out. Soon the moment will have passed and springtime and its peerless cornfield scenes will be ready to serenade you once again.